My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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