So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
