woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
