I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
