Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
