he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
