yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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