The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
