the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
