i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
