Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
