Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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