Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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