Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.