She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.