pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.