When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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