he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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