70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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