my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
