if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
