Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
