I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
