we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
