saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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