I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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