I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
