NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
