I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is Oprah even human
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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