The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
