today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
