I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
