I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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