Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
