good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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