Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
