I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
