his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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