I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
