It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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