fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
