he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
