After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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