You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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