Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
