ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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