I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
