He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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