he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
