I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
