ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
