Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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