It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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