rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
