Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
