My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
