It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i came on her dog
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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