his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
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My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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