Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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