thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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