A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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