I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You left your phone here
Wait...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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