Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
