It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
