why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
